“He/She doesn’t look like a cutter.”

toomanysecrets-notquitelies:

Tell me, please, what the fuck does a cutter look like? Someone with inches of eyeliner on there face and unnatural black hair? Someone that wears dark-colored clothes and has a piercings? Someone that listens to nothing but death metal and their facial expressions scream “fuck the world”? Yes, some people that have that type of appearance DO partake in self harming. But no, that is not what a “cutter” “looks like.” Some people look that way of their own accord to try and be themselves, not because some of them cut. Being a cutter is not a look or a style, it is something that you DO and FEEL. It is being in such a horrible state that you intentionally hurt yourself in a physical manner to try and make yourself feel better emotionally. It is an addiction. It is an internal battle. Most of the time is isn’t a choice, but a need. It isn’t something that is often controlled, but rather something that is controlling. Self harm is a battle you are constantly having with yourself, because you don’t now which is worse: being “healthy” and not cutting but feeling severely upset, or being “unhealthy” and cutting but making your emotions easier to deal with. And even if you choose the first option and try to stop, the urges and cravings haunt you for most, if not all, of your life - time doesn’t make it just go away.. that would be too simple. So you fight against yourself, maybe because you want to not have to rely on doing such a thing, or maybe because you don’t want to hurt the people that care about you. Whatever the reason, you can almost never find anything that can compare to how self harming makes everything just go away…there just isn’t anything like it. 

But how do I know all of this? I don’t layer on eyeliner. My hair is bright red and I smile a lot. I wear different, light-colored clothes. I don’t have a bunch of facial piercings. I enjoy listening death metal music, but also alternative and indie types. Do I look like a cutter? Do I look like someone who would rather cut and give themselves bruises than deal with their problems? No, probably not. But I am. I’m trying to get better, and so far I think that I’m doing pretty good - 66 days and counting - but when school starts and the stress becomes too much, I’m going to be glad that all the arrogant people think I’m the happiest person in the world, because then no one will think twice about how I always wear sweatshirts or how there’s always makeup on the waistline of my jeans. 

Not “looking” like a cutter doesn’t make it any less true for any of us. We are our own type of suffering, but we are also our own support group. Unless you’ve had to deal with this type of hurt, you couldn’t understand it, and in most ways I envy people that don’t. But going through this has made me who and how I am, and being able to understand has given me the option to help other people that are going through this too. That is the one and only upside of doing this to myself. I will always be here to help anyone that needs it, and I mean that. But for everyone that hasn’t/doesn’t self harm: I’m beyond glad that you are happy and don’t dislike yourself so much, but don’t be so judgmental about the people that do - this is a world that you could never understand.